Classic Car Humor, SEMA Action Network Comments Off

The Shelby American Automobile Club’s annual April Fool’s gag reached a much wider audience that anyone could have predicted. Initially a four-page newsletter was emailed to every member. It contained stories about a perpetual motion ’68 Shelby, a ’69 GT350 that supposedly got 40 miles per gallon and a bogus front page recreation of the New York Times, dated March 28th, that had two stories. One was a hoax about purported tax legislation being prepared by Sen. Charles Schumer, which would tax every collector car, antique, hot rod and race car in the country. This was, of course, concocted out of thin air. But it was, on the surface, believable and it hit numerous hot buttons of car owners.

As soon as some SAAC members read this they immediately went into full “Paul Revere mode,” posting the article on a wide variety of Internet car forums. Once on those forums, readers swarmed like angry killer bees, both posting angry comments about the unfairness of the concept and spreading parts and pieces of the original article in emails and postings. It was the classic definition of something “going viral.”

When readers on some forums recognized the whole thing as an April Fool’s joke and posted this, other readers seemed to look right past the warnings. We now know how Orson Wells must have felt after his 1938 “War of the Worlds” radio broadcast resulted in traffic jams as panicked people tried to flee New Jersey.

While we enjoy a good April Fool’s prank as much as anyone, we never envisioned that this one could spread so quickly or so widely beyond the Shelby American Automobile Club. We deeply regret if taking this story seriously has caused anyone any undue distress or embarrassment. To keep more of that from happening we would greatly appreciate it if you could forward this message to as many car enthusiasts as possible. If they forward it to others who can forward it to even more people, maybe this second message will catch up with and overpower the first one.

And finally, please do not contact Senator Schumer’s office. He already has his hands full with real issues of importance.

Best regards,

Rick Kopec

Shelby American Automobile Club

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Top 16 Things Bill Gates would change about the Automotive Industry

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon”.

In response to Bill Gate’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. For some reason you would simply accept this.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask “Are you sure?” before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.
11. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
12. We’d all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
13. The U.S. government would get subsidies from an automaker – a first.
14. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
15. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car 95 or CarNT – but then you would have to buy more seats.
16. People would get excited about the new features of Microsoft cars, forgetting that the same features had been available from other carmakers for years.

Top Ten Reasons To Buy A New Car

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, “Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?”
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the “Club.”
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you’ve had to settle for making “vroom, vroom” noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

Top Ten Reasons Why Not To Buy a SUV

10. EVERYONE ELSE drives one!
9. Too much vehicle for too much money.
8. Sucks more fuel than…well it just sucks!
7. Are you REALLY going to take that shiny new $40,000 SUV off road?
6. How can you “rough it” with a leather interior?
5. They’re just cheap pickup trucks with back seats for an extra $20,000+.
4. They’re too dang big!
3. Inferior overall safety.
2. Just like Chevy Chase’s Family Truckster Wagon, except with four wheel drive.
1. Lemmings drown!

Top Ten Signs of a SUV Poseur

10. Thinks off-roading is going up his driveway.
9. Pays $30,000+ for a station wagon on a 4×4 pickup truck frame.
8. Thinks “roughing it” is camping at a KOA campground.
7. Dreams he is nearing the peak of a remote mountain whenever he drives over a speed bump.
6. Has sudden urges to follow other SUVs that are driving off steep cliffs.
5. Has a cell-phone in his SUV.
4.Orders an SUV with leather interior (bonus points for white leather).
3. Drives his SUV to the MALL.
2. Shifts into four-wheel-drive whenever the potholes in the city get too big.
1. Tells his friends that he has been off-roading when in fact he just drove down a gravel road.

How To Identify A Driver’s Home

  • One hand on wheel,
  • One hand on horn: New York
  • One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
  • One hand on wheel,
  • One hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
  • One hand on wheel,
  • One hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California*
    *with gun in lap: L.A.
  • Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
  • Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
  • One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
  • One hand on wheel,
  • One hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
  • One hand on wheel,
  • One hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
  • One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair,
  • One hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
  • Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another’s car: Colorado
  • One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn’t hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.

Automobile Manufacturer’s Acronyms


Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
Asia’s Curse Upon Rural America
Awful,Crappy,Unreliable, Rusty Automobile
Automobile Causes Universal Road Accidents
All Cars Usually Require Adjustment
Any Child Understands Real Automobiles
Americans Can Underestimate Routine Accidents
A Case of a Useless Requested Acronym?
Always Catching Up, Rarely Ahead


All Makes Combined
A Major Cost
A Mutated Car
A Moron’s Car
Another Major Catastrophe
Another Mess of Crap


Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented


Battered Everywhere, Expect To Lose Engine


Babbling Mechanical Wench
Beastly Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Waste
Blasphemous Motorized Wreck
Bought My Wife
Brings Me Women
Break My Window
Broken Monstrous Wonder
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Brutal Money Waster


Butt Ugly Import Car Killer
Butt Ugly Indestructable Compact Killer
Butt Ugly In Central Kentucky
Built Under the Inspection of a Crazy Korean
Bought Understanding It Can’t Kickbutt


Crazy Aunt Drives It Like A Lunatic Across the Country
Car And Driver Indicates Lady Luck Abandoned Consumer


Can’t America Make A Real One?


Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Car Has Extensive Rattle On Long Trips
Can Hear Every Valve Rattle Over Loud Engine Tapping
Crappy Hot-Running Engines, Very Rusted Out, Lose Every Time
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques
Crap Heap Enormously Vunerable Runs On Luck Every Time


Charged HEaVilY
Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
Cruddy Hick Engine Very Yucky
Crap Heap Enormously Vunerable Yearly


Car Having Really Yucky Stupid Lazy Engine Runs
Could Have Remained Your Sickly Lame Elderly Relative’s
Collection of Half Realized Yet Somehow Likeable Engineering Research
Company Has Recommended You Start Learning Engine Repair


Cherry Hot Rod You Can’t Outrun
Chrysler Has Run Your Chebby Off


Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters


Detroit’s Angry Towards Sneaky Unscrupulous Nips


Dead Or Dying Garbage Emitter
Drips Oil, Drops Grease, Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dangerous On Days Gears Engage
Death Overcomes Driver’s Generous Ego
Driven Only During Grey Evenings
Dead On Delivery, Go Easy
Dead On Delivery, Guarantee Expired
Department Of Defense’s Grossest Error
Don’t Over Drive Gutless Engine
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad’s Garage Experiment


Every Day Something Else Leaks


Failure In Automotive Technology
Fix It Again Tony
Fix It Alltha Time
F**ked In the Ass Twice
Feeble Italian Attempt at Transportation
Futile Italian Attempt at Transportation


F**ked over rebuilt Dodge
Flip over read directions
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Rockville Dump
Fails On Rainy Days
Fastest On Race Day
Fastest On Road Daily
First On Race Day (proven false)
Fourth On Race Day (of the “Big Three”, fourth is pretty bad!)
First On Recall Day
First On Road to Dump
First On Rust and Deterioration
Found On Road Dead
Found On Rubbish Dump
Four Old Rusty Doors
Fool Only Runs Downhill (expletive replaced)
Driver Returns On Foot (backwards)
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron’s DNA
F’in’s Owner’s Really Dumb
Fatally Obese Redneck Driver
Freaky Obsolete Racing Device
Fireball On Rear Denting
Fork Over Repair Dough
Frequent Opinion: Really Disappointed
Fumes and Odors Readily Detectable
Forward Only, Reverse Defective
Forced On Reluctant Drivers


Get Everyone Out
Grotesque Engineering Outdated
Getting Even Ourway
Got Engine, Oh?
Get ‘Er Outtahere
Good Engineering Overlooked


Get a Mopar!
Grungy Merchandise
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
Gluteus Maximus
Grossly Misconceived


Garage Mechanics Companion
General Mass of Crap
Generally Mediocre Cars
Got a Mechanic Coming
Got More Crap
Get More Chicks
Great Muscle Cars
Garage Man’s Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?


Get Tickets Often
Get Tires Often


Helping Out Nips Destroying America
How Odd-No Damn Acceleration
Hold Overs Not Doing Anything
Hell Of a Nice Damn Automobile
Hand Over Dollars to Asians
Had One Never Did Again
Honest, Officer, Nobody Drank Anything
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
Hallmark of Non-Descript Automobiles


Hope You Understand Nothing’s Driveable And Inexpensive


Idiot Runs Over Cats
Ignorant Redneck Owns Car
I’m Really Out of Cash
Italian Retard Out Cruising
I Race Other Cars
I Race On Credit
I Run Over Children
It’s Really Only a Camaro


Jags Always Guarantee Unlimited Astronomical Repairs


Just Eats Every Part
Just Everyone Elses Parts
Just Empty Every Pocket
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly


Long Term Debt
Lousy Transportation Dammit
Long Term Disability


Most Always Dangerously Zipping Along
Model All Zoids Drive Aimlessly
Making A Zillion Dollars Annually


Money Envy Reliably Causes every Derogatory Expletive to Surface


Monkeys Engineered This Road Obstacle
Mileage’s Everything; Torque, Running’s Out
Mangey Environmentalist Transporter Rusts On
My Endeared Transportatin Rusted Out
Martha, Every Thing Rattles Off!
May Every Thing Rattle On
May Endure Teasing, Ridicule, and Ostracism


Might Go
Mobile Garbage
Money Guzzler
Money Grabber


Might Go Backwards


My Intention: Always To Accelerate


May Involve Turbos, Suck Unless Boost Is Seriously High Inside
Management Incessantly Tolerates Socially Unacceptable Behavior, Ignoring Sexual Harassment Incidents


Made Of Plastic And Rubber
Most Often Passed At Races
Most Often Proven At the Racetrack
Most OverPowered And Respected
Massively OverPowered And Respected
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Mostly Old Paint And Rust
Mounds Of Power And Revs
Move Over, Pentastar Approaching Rapidly
MOst Perfect Automobiles for Racing
Masters Or Performance and Racing
Mitsubishi’s Over Priced American Replicars
My Old Pig Ain’t Running
My Old Pig Always Roars
My Old Plymouth Ain’t Runnin.
More Overall Performance And Reliability
Mostly Obsolete Parts Assembled Randomly
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
My Only Problems Are Repairs
Move Over People Are Racing


Massively Ugly Sh*tpile That’s Always No Good
Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good


Never I Shall Steal Another Nissan
Now in Stupid Shape, Always Nasty


One Leak, Dead Starter
Older, Louder, Dumber, Slower
Obnoxious, Loud Death Sled


Oh Look, Dammit! Some Massive Oil Burning Idiot’s Leaking Everything
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
Old Loose Dented Sheet Metal Outdated By Infamies Like Edsel
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick’s Irregular Leftover Equipment


Put In Nickel To Operate
Performance Is Not The Object
Put In New Transmission Often
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
Pyrotechnics Is Naturally The Object


Please Let Your Mother Out Under The Hood!
Police Laugh, Young Men Ogle, all Underestimating This Heap


Poor Old Nitwit Thinks It’s A Cadillac


Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
Piece Of Retired Scrap, Continually High Expense
Puts Out Really Smoky Carbonate Hazardous Emissions
Phased Out Racer-Still Can’t Hold Engine
Please Overlook Really Sh*tty Cardboard Horrible Engine
Pulled Over Regularly So Cops Have Enough
Pity Only Rich Suckers Can Have ‘Em


Plainly Runs Only By Exception


Retarded Engine No Acceleration Ugly Lump of Trash


Send Another Automobile Back
Slick As A Brick
Swedish Auto – Always Broken
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Swedish Auto’s Are Best
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backward


Sorry About That Unexpected Recall Notice


Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
U R A BUS (read backwards)
Send Undercover Boat And Radioactive Uranium


Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Taking Our Yen Out — Thanks All
Transportation Of Young Or Tasteless Airheads
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
The One You Ought To Avoid


The Risk Involving Useless Machinery Pays Heavily
This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt


Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object


Virtually Worthless


Stop Those Pistons


Never Any Parts Available

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